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Graduation: My Degree (part 2)

So now here I was, right back in the midst of this huge life lesson. I say this because I basically came into it at the 7th month mark after our marriage had been still valid after 7 years. Double completion and that adds up to my favorite number, 14. I had completed and failed my test. The test being my course of actions during the 7 month separation. The timing was divine as hell because I had to endure me pleading again... because he started seeing someone else consistently. That didn’t stop us from saying let’s do this. So then it became a third party situation. Only I didn’t know he was still holding on to her as a backup plan Incase we failed. Yet like a woman, I gave it all up for true love from him.

My wrongs came back to bite me in the ass. They affected us both. They affected his family, and my family. We agreed to let go of whomever we were dealing with and move forward. Suddenly, though, I found myself in competition. I started to feel like things would be too hard to conquer. I had to compete with his fling, his family’s opinions of what I had done over the last 7 months, his demons, and my own.

There was a huge amount of conflict, drama, trust issues, and confusion. Being the one always moving with haste,  I started pushing it more and more. I still didn’t learn my lesson. I was moving without letting God move for me. I still didn’t learn self control because I was feeding off of being in control. Just like I controlled the separation, I wanted to control the reconciliation... MY WAY. Aka the way of the ego. Aka the way of the  child in me. I wanted him to take the sword and cut whatever was displeasing to me out immediately... but well.. life doesn’t work that way. The power had shifted from me to him and I didn’t like that. It was important for me to stay the victim in all of this and not admit my wrongs at one point. So then after admitting my wrongs.. he had he power to not choose me. That literally shook my whole being. The man that deserves the punishment and rejection for his betrayal to me has the upper hand now?! Lawd help me! 

School life got better. I caught up on all my school work and learned I would be receiving my associates degree in applied science and a certificate to compliment it. I was actually working on dual degrees and certifications but again timing is everything. Somehow I did manage to learn that everything doesn’t have to be rushed and controlled when it came to school. That didn’t translate into my personal life at all. 

A degree is a term used to mark a position. Just as an angle, coordinates, temperature, and academic competency. My position had gone up in my career/academic life. My position had gone down in my personal life. But that didn’t stop me from pushing as hard as I could. By the time graduation night came, it was hard for me to really take in my accomplishments because my positions or degrees in life, even though in different aspects, still balanced to a null. I gained a point there but I’m losing one here. I walked across the stage looking like I had it all figured out but behind the scenes I’m a hopeless mess... just like the 5 months of no posting. By now the eyes of wonder are on me. What is she doing? Is she falling into the same bullshit cycle? Yep... but this time it was my call. My pushing resulted to me being left heartbroken again. I pleaded again. I tried to make him see who I was AGAIN! He was juggling two women trying to figure out what path to choose and everyone was pulling us in different ways. Now I’m not saying it was my fault I got cut again but I am saying had I just taken the time to really let the love come back and allow him to prove himself, it would’ve invoked him to move accordingly. Instead I just rushed and impulsively acted on my emotions (just like I have always done during emotional highs/lows). I wouldn’t have been in the mess I was in had I just kept my composure throughout the separation AND movements to reconcile. Honestly though, me running back to him was literally an overnight decision and felt as if it was out of my control. I can truly say even if I wasn’t in a dark place that the chips would’ve fallen the same way but on a smoother surface.

So eventually I started letting go of the idea of what could be between us and started just trying to really bunker down on the lesson God and the universe was trying to teach me. I recognized it was a repetitive cycle and the only time people fall into the same situations is when we don’t change the way we react/ respond or what we attract. I could not under any circumstances control what he would do. All I could do was control my own self and whatever results that would yield... it had to be different.

So I decided to retake this course in life to get a degree/position of control over myself...

And I started from within. Let the cycle repeat again.

Stay tuned,