Skip to main content

Graduation: Classless (Part 1)

So I left you all hanging because basically I left myself hanging. I went wild. I didn’t give not one fuck about my spirit or my internal healing. I didn’t wanna hear shit from anyone and gravitated towards people who didn’t tell me pump my brakes...I didn’t post for the same reason.

I didn’t want to show the real agony and suffering I was going through mentally and emotionally. I took all the pain out on my physical well being. Then I dressed it up... like a puddle of tears with glitter in it... or a lemon with a good paint job.

I kept it all to myself.

This will be a 3 part post.. so bare with me while I attempt to untangle and release the past few months.

I got my feelings hurt after pretty much being shut down by guys telling me they are single and not planning on changing that. So I said fuck it! The one man I dedicated my everything to doesn’t want me. I became jobless, living in my mom’s house, have four kids on my side, and the apartment I thought was mine was put at a complete hault. 

I was depressed. I was still bitter.

I got my “mojo” back via partying and bullshit. I thought getting my mojo back was just me going out again and mingling with other men. That sense of self and me thinking I knew what I wanted was false. I thought what I wanted was to block my emotions and not love anymore. Everything physical looked super appetizing but the internal me was in a rut. I did shit for attention. I was careless in my own healing. I really just wanted to get everything over with the easiest way I could.

I was numb. I became what hurt me and thus I hurt myself. Once I heard “I don’t want a relationship” twice... I was convinced this way of life was the one for me. 

I was impatient.

I became the manipulator, the side bitch, the one getting peanuts for the gold I gave away. And to myself I said “oh well”.

*sigh* but none of that shit worked!!! So if this is you right now, STOP and chill. Grieve properly. Trust me, it’ll save you a lot of pain later. 

No matter how sexy that mojo appealed to everyone else... the universe ain’t no fool! I entered into two situations that were mini versions of my past. The first was me getting involved with an old neighbor/good friend’s family member whom had recently moved in with her temporarily. He reminded me of dark suns bio dad... minus the physical abuse. His story and living situation was similar, his persona was definitely in line with him.. he was everything I didn’t want in a man. He was cool for sex and a perfect person to make feel like I felt (unworthy of true love). I basically told him I didn’t want him.. I’m just using him. In a very sadistic way, though, I was delighted in his yearn for me knowing I didn’t want him long term and I liked the idea of being the heartbreaker. I felt he had nothing else to offer me. We are talking about a man with potential but only wants to club and not gain stability. I might have gone mad but ummmm... uh uh.

And yea, I had other dudes I was entertaining and lying to.. I kept just enough distance to stay relevant. Enough so when I text or call, the world stops. Classic player moves. I got what I wanted though so it was whatever. 

My dark side had taken completely over me and trickled into my school life. Mind you this was my last semester and at this point I’m wayyyyyy behind. Just like I screwed up my scholarship, I was screwing up my anticipated graduation.

I did say hindsight is 20/20 before, right?

Then one day out of nowhere I broke down. I knew I just wanted to be loved.. I knew I wanted to love. I didn’t see it then but I see it now. I was pissed with God for allowing my life to go this way. I had prayed so hard over my marriage and when it was over I basically gave God the finger.

I didn’t love me still, I just was sayin’. 

After breaking down I ran back to the only thing I knew could serve as comfort in hopes there would be something there. I ran back to what I left. I ran into the arms of the man who I knew still had some kind of love for me. I could careless about the form it came in before... I wanted to reconcile. I wanted this changed man I had envisioned he became in 7 months.

I slid in the DMs. 

I texted him and offered my heart. 

I expected an immediate yes. We have a family together. We have intense emotional ties. We have shared pain ...from the legal retaliation I gave and the reason I retaliated. We have history.

What I didn’t expect was for me to have a part 2 and 3 of this and no happily ever after ending. Sorry not sorry.

Stay tuned my loves,