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In My Own Little Corner

In my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be…

I’m sure you gals know this classic tune right?
I know you are wondering what does this song have to do with me.

Let me explain,

A few days ago I made one of the most painful decisions I ever had to make as a married woman. I had to decide whether I would endure another minute of getting the shitty end of the stick or leaving my husband. 
Most would think it’s a no brainer to make a decision like that, because they’ve never felt the kind of love for someone that kept them at a stand still. A God love. 

Before the decision, I was in his corner trying to make him be whatever I wanted him to be, which was what I saw in him for 6 long hard years. I saw what no one else saw in him, and he probably didn’t even see it in himself. I saw his potential to be GREAT…
And seeing is believing, so I believed he would be what I saw in him. All I kept telling myself was not to leave because eventually he would be that man. I didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to finally get to witness, feel, and absorb that part of him that I knew was there. 

But then I had to realize, if I allowed him to continue to be the man he always showed me with no true effort to bring out his best, he would never be that man. He would always know I would be “ok” with not having the best of him. He would make no adjustments to do so. My husband is what I’d like to call a “serial cheater”, a manipulator, and selfish. But to no avail, I waited for him. 

I waited through 6 years of kids being added on to stop my own progression while he built his success. I waited through infinite tears that turned into resentment. I waited through trust that would never be rebuilt. I waited through adrenaline pumping physical altercations that left permanent scars. I waited through bedtime with my man turning into crying myself to sleep right next to him. I waited through giving my life up at 21 to be the best wife I could be, just to have it all fall down at 27.

Everytime I tried to get out of his corner, something kept pulling me back over. I kept telling myself over and over that I wouldn’t go back in his corner, only to find myself back in his corner wrapped in his arms moments later. That false sense of security held me there. That love I have for him, and that potential I saw in him kept me sitting. 

I finally sat in my own chair. Yes, it is lonely. Yes, it is painful. The thing I had to realize, though, was I had been sitting in his chair alone just about the entire time. He would get up and go to other chairs and corners all the time. Once I realized that, I figured I may as well be alone in my own little chair. I made the step to be whatever I wanted to be. I took a leap of faith and am striving to be what I and others see in me. Just like him, I didn’t see it in myself…until now.

As I write this blog post, I can see our marriage photo in my mind. The tears are flowing, and my heart is broken. I am following my own advice on how to heal a broken heart. I know this too shall pass and each day I will be stronger than the day before,



Peace & Love,
Lindsey

Comments

With Strength,Prayers,Patience, Support, Love and God 1st....This too shall pass.. I love you!!!
When we break away from a blinding love, that's when we truly began to see God. It's rough because as women (Chaavah/Eve) our natural desire is to our Adam. But when does the line between honoring him & worshipping him get crossed? I had to examine myself when it came to this too. Sometimes, we unknowingly make them our "gods" & lose ourselves in them. But the true and living God will never break you down, his glory comes from building you up, so you can tell the next person about it. That's what this is for you, a testimony. You WILL get thru this pain and this will save someone else who may be on the brink of succumbing to theirs. Love you sis! This is the time to fall in love with self all over again. You deserve it.