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I Was About To Give Up πŸ˜”

I started this website for three reasons:


1. To Start My Brand
As said before, I came up with the name of my blog 5 years ago when I thought I had been through enough and it’s been a goal of mine ever since. I didn’t do it then because I simply wasn’t ready to invest in my dreams. Once I did decide to make the move, though, I went full steam ahead and didn’t look back. I didn’t have a computer, and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I grabbed my cheap metro piece of s**t phone and got busy. Yes, I designed the whole website on my android phone. I was that determined. I was pleasantly surprised by the outcome and had the excitement of making something out of nothing. I was finally able to say “I did it!” 


2. To Inspire Women Worldwide
I envisioned a mental place where all women could come, read my story, and relate to it in a way no other place via the web could. As stated in my previous post, how to heal a broken heart  I became a google queen. I assumed I was not the only woman in the world who googled marriage issues. So instead of going through forum after forum, searching for at least one success story, I created a one stop shop! I figured if I gave my story in real time, there would be someone out there following it, never looking to become a fellow google queen again. I created the I've Been Through Enough! group page to serve as the safe haven to gain support and vent. I know there are women going through the same thing I am going through and I want those women to know, honey, you are NOT alone. Don’t let those “relationship goal” memes make you think women ain’t out here getting hurt trying to achieve them. It was time for someone to be real about love. I decided to step up to the challenge, which brings me to my last reason…  

3. Self Therapy
I felt humiliated everytime I left my husband just to go right back. I felt that my family, friends, his extracurricular lovers, and he thought I was the dumbest girl on the planet for always coming back to him…knowing good and well he was killing me slowly. I felt the world would laugh at what seemed to be self inflicted pain and I couldn’t really vent to anyone like I wanted to without regretting it. I always saw memes on Facebook that say things like “don’t put your business on social media” and because he is apart of Facebook, venting there would cause issues. I feared my own voice. I feared the backlash. I feared being looked at as a stupid woman. I tried initiating professional therapy but it never happened, mostly because it was hard to make the appointment. I knew that doing what I love, writing, was the best form of therapy for me. This particular reason was the ultimate decision maker of whether I would launch the website or not. Clearly I made the decision to not be afraid and go for it in a major attempt to heal myself.


So now with all three reasons laid out on the table, I was about to give it all up.

In my last post, in my own little corner, I really gave you guys an uncut and emotional truth. I opened myself to the world and it affected my whole healing process in a way I never saw coming. I was forced to look at my marriage and revisit every single memory, none of which were pleasant. I got answers to things I questioned after I pressed publish. For example, me revisiting the question of if the girl I left him behind, this time, had sex with him in my bed the last time I called myself leaving. On top of that, I was forced to think about how I retaliated and slept with someone, and the shit wasn’t even worth the encounter. I only did it to make him feel how he made me feel for years. Not worth it at all. I had to deal with, after having put myself out there, realizing he ain’t even fighting for me. You would think with all those type of thoughts I would be boo- hooing but I couldn’t cry AT ALL. I was numb as hell. I wanted to just release it all and I couldn’t. I still felt humiliated, embarrassed, and like everything I’m doing is a waste of effort. I got angry.

I lashed out at my friend. I explained how I don’t want to be bothered by or with my kids, I don’t want to walk through any of this pain, and I don’t want to think. I kept saying none of this will change or help anything, and that no one gives a damn about me or what I have to say. At this point I was furious at everything going on around me. I have to live back home with my mom and my four kids. I had to leave one kid with him because she’s not my kid by blood. I have no transportation. This latest whore is probably in my bed again and he doesn’t even care what kind of damage he did to me, the mother of his kids and the one who gave it all just to be with him. My rage went on and on and on. I said I wasn’t gonna write another word… 

But as soon as I finished doing all that…I CRIEDDDDDDDDDDD! I cried so hard that my eyes started swelling up. I cried so hard that the skin under my eyes started to get super dry and peel. I cried myself to sleep. 


I woke up about 2 hours later and here I am, writing you a book.

I was about to give up…

Peace & Love,
Lindsey

Comments

πŸ’ŽπŸ’ŽThis touched my soul!

Ps: and I still ain't going no where, NahπŸ‘Š πŸ˜‚ let's work on those drink recipes this weekend πŸ˜‰❣❣
aron22 said…
Great story. Optimization of this site and keywords that rank on google will attract perfect results, peace
Liz Giberson said…
Lindsay, I've been there honey. I totally understand! I know that it sounds cliche, but the saying "That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger" is so true. I believe you are going to (and already are) come out of this better than ever before. You have your whole life ahead of you, you have your kids, and you have us! ;-)
I know it probably feels like you are starting over from scratch, living back with mom, the kids, trying to figure out transpo issue's. The whole 9, but the thing is you are "starting over". I mean that in a very good way. You got away from him, the bad situation, the disrespect-all of it. And you got your kids out so they don't have to see his horrible behavior on a daily basis. You are doing something FOR YOU!
So, I'm just going to say, I'm happy for you! Good luck. Have a great day
Liz
P.S. You seriously did this site on your phone. Great job! I'm amazed, imagine what you could do with a computer. :-)